Archive for Reasons to Hate the Tube
Reasons to Hate the Tube #3: Travel Luggage
Whatever happened to the humble rucksack, satchel or handbag? According to the NHS, we’re all obese and out of shape, so maybe that’s the reason behind the influx of holdalls on the Underground.
Oh, now I understand – poor diet’s taken its toll, our muscles wasted away to such a degree that they’re no longer able to support the weight of a conventional bag. It’s far easier and more convenient to drag it along behind you. After all, isn’t that what the wheel was invented for?
While undeniably better for the user, the poor souls left to dodge the minefield of holdalls would argue differently. There’s only so many times your toes can endure being run over. Perhaps the next time you collide with one, use the comeback, “If you’re packed for a holiday, why don’t you [profanity-of-your-choice] off on one?”
I’m careful not to complain without offering a solution, so I’ve come up with open suggestions for the Mayor of London.
The first would be taking the offence a step further to give the holdall-ers a taste of their own medicine. This could be achieved by lugging a gigantic suitcase with the aim to intentionally knock over those with holdalls. There should be browine points awarded if you manage to show them the contents of the case - just a BlackBerry and a newspaper.
Alternatively, TFL might be wise to take a leaf out of Ryanair’s book and add extortionate luggage charges to journeys. The mantra of if you can’t carry it, you pay for it is a perfect method of judgement. Sadly, while that’d undeniably reduce the amount of bags being used on the Tube, it won’t rid us of the stumpy, pushy women found pulling them.
That I’m afraid, is something we’re sadly stuck with.
Reasons to Hate the Tube #2: Escalator Jams
You can smell the fresh air, the natural light beckoning you up the steel staircase. The escalator’s in service (a mini-miracle) so you hop on and begin to walk up the left side undertaking those staying still on the right (thanks to @jenjeahaly for pointing our this peculiarity – you don’t undertake on roads?). You manage six steps and you come to a halt. Now, in this situation you’ll find yourself doing what everyone does: The Escalator Huff. It involves muttering to yourself, peering to the left and wondering why everyone’s stopped moving. It’s impossible not do this – it’s an ingrained response that runs deep in every commuter’s conscious.
Maybe someone’s been taken ill? Oh, I hope they haven’t headbutt a pillar while walking along reading a book! But just like on the M25, you’ll begin to move again before coming to a stop again. So what’s the elusive reason?
People stop walking.
Having climbed the entire escalator something then mysteriously urges people to stop dead in their tracks. Is it the transition from moving staircase to stationary floor that proves difficult? If it’s that disorientating, then stand on the right. You can at least prepare for the shift without blocking others. Alternatively, if you’re so out of shape that you can’t traverse an escalator without taking a breather at the top, the same response applies.
I’ve come up with a solution. TFL should employ its staff to dispense energy boosting drinks to those that travel. It’s either that or a compulsory escalator-use test that fails those that commit the unholy sin of standing on the left.
Don’t worry though, because this only happens when you’re in a hurry.
Reasons to Hate the Tube #1: The Walk-and-Read
There’s nothing like a good book to fill your Northern Line commute, am I right? It’s either literature or staring at the blank, soulless faces in your carriage.
Only you’re not one of the millions of (normal) people who do this (an estimated 4million commuters get the tube a day). Instead, you’re part of a growing epidemic who think it acceptable to read while walking. Aside from a map, when did this become an acceptable hobby to do while in motion. You don’t drive your car and read FHM do you? You don’t walk around Tesco as you indulge in some Chaucer?
So why do people think it’s acceptable to do it in right in the middle of rush-hour on the Underground?
The walk-and-readers seem blissfully unaware, happy to plod along blocking all available space. It must be an enthralling text to be so engrossed that you don’t notice the queue of city workers forming behind you.
And just when you think you’re free, they meander into the empty space that’s just opened up. Mark my words, the Metro is never that important. And don’t even get me started on those locked to their blackberries replying to emails underground. That’s a sin unto itself.
Reasons To Hate The Tube
The London Underground is populated by a vast collective of ignorance. Despite travelling on it everyday, this horde of idiocy lacks any drive to mend its ways. This series of blog posts is a celebration of the lunacy that the average London commuter puts up with.
As demonstrated by its name, public transport will always be populated by individuals who lack any sliver of common sense. When you confine so many people to a cramped space, tensions will always run high. It’s an unavoidable fact and something, as a London commuter, you quickly get used to. This ode to our humble Tube isn’t an exploration of these individuals, but rather a look at the genuine traits that run across London’s Underground network. No matter what line you travel on, you’ll have come across the following cross-section of people. I’ll begin with reason #1 tomorrow (02/08/2010), posting more as they come to mind.
We’ve all been there and I feel your pain, especially as a Northern Line veteran, so enjoy the upcoming posts and feel free to submit your own to the comments.
